When Will The Idiots On The Other End Of The Political Spectrum Wake Up And Have Every One Of My Life Circumstances, Daily Interactions, And Upbringing?

This "commentary" appears on the Onion web site.

Things are going to hell in this country, and I, for one, have had just about enough of it. I wish I could say there was nothing we could have done to prevent this, but the sad truth is that we’ve got one truly brainless political party out there that’s trying to impose its foolish and irresponsible agenda on all of us, and look where we’ve ended up because of them! If we’re serious about getting America back on track, all those morons are going to need to shut up, take a good, hard look in the mirror, and start seeing things from my point of view.

Seriously, it’s about time these jerks on the other side of the political spectrum woke the hell up and started having the exact same background, experiences, and upbringing as me.

If all those imbeciles would take one goddamn minute to look at the facts and go through every single one of the things I’ve gone through in my life, then what America needs right now would become very clear very quickly. These people on the other side don’t have the first clue how to deal with the issues facing this country because they’ve all simply coasted through life with a set of personal circumstances totally different than mine. It’s no wonder that what they believe makes absolutely no fricking sense.

America is heading down the tubes, and these idiots will never understand why until they’re born into a situation in life identical to mine, and then get raised exactly as I was, and ultimately wind up with precisely the same family dynamic, education, and romantic prospects I’ve had. Listen, if you’re not willing to take the time to grow up in the same part of the country I did, in the same kind of home, as part of the same racial and religious groups, and with the same amounts of good and bad luck I’ve experienced over the years, then I’m sorry, but you’re always going to be wrong.

I look around, and I realize a lot of these people—people who want to send our country in the wrong direction—don’t even reside in a town with a median household income between $40,000 and $50,000 and the same population and demographic profile as my hometown. Some of them haven’t even taken advantage of the same kinds of professional opportunities that were available to me. I’m not kidding!

It’s almost like, having not been exposed to all the countless conversations and relationships that I have over the years, they’re completely blind to the real issues that are destroying our country. How could anyone be that stupid?

For crying out loud, how the hell are we going to solve our problems when these fools don’t even surround themselves with the same limited group of like-minded individuals who I exclusively interact with, both online and in real life, every day of my life?

It really makes you terrified for the future of our country.

Here’s what needs to happen: The fanatics from the other party who you see on television—the ones spouting their insane ideas about what our country should stand for and where it should be headed—they need to come out of their little bubbles and see the damage they’ve inflicted upon America. Because they just don’t get it. They need to try being a 46-year-old sales manager, stand 5 feet, 10 inches tall, have gone through a recent divorce from Cheryl Simmons-Partlow, routinely eat frozen meals from the nearby Save-A-Lot, have a strained relationship with their father with whom they’ve never been able to have a conversation about anything of emotional consequence, and be the owner of a 2009 Chevy Impala. Then maybe they would understand a thing or two about the real America.

But considering most of these jackasses have never even lived in a three-bedroom house on the corner of Keenan Avenue and Norwood Street in Cuyahoga Falls, OH, it’s no wonder we’re on the road to ruin.

The sad thing is, until that day when every American finally comes to their senses and has precisely the same personal experiences that I do in every possible regard from the moment their lives begin until the day they end, I’m afraid there’s just no hope for this country. And given the way those idiots on the other side seem so sure of themselves and their boneheaded beliefs, I’m not holding my breath that we’ll ever get there.